The Festival season is in full force and it is glorious!
We’re knee deep in side boob, sunburn, glitter and arse-less chaps. We’ve purchased our tickets, organized a crew, prepared our ‘matchy matchy’ completely weather inappropriate attire and we are ready…..Ready to not put any money aside for drinks, food, accomodation or anything that might keep us alive. Freakout about the ‘long day with no naps’ and the knowledge that there will be no bending over in these pants. We’ll spend the next three weeks leading up to the festival contemplating selling our ticket, due to the above reasons. While also being lovingly bullied by our peers to ‘not bail on them’, so we cross out everything on the menu that isn’t home brand 2 minute noodles (In order to round up some last minute funds) and we put in some serious hours on the tready at the gym we’ve been paying a membership for/avoiding for the last 6 months (please fitness gods, give me abs in 2 weeks).What a time to be alive!
We are young! We are pumped! We are anxious as fuck about the long day of no napping.

Sunday the 8th of March at Stephensons Park in Sale. Put. It. In. Your. Calendar…..Now!
The gods heard our prayers for a festival without travel, and they delivered with ‘LEMONADE’. An epic lineup including Hilltop hoods, Safia, Wafia and Art vs Science (to name a few) just 45 minutes from my doorstep with buses to get me there and back. I relish the idea of crawling my sun burnt, severely dehydrated non-compos butt to my own bed after a long day of mad acts and shenanigans. *shivers with excitement at the thought of own bed* Soon baby, we’ll be together soon.

If you haven’t already, get yourself and your squad some tickets because it’s going to be AMAZING!

There’s only 2 weeks left till Lemonade, 4 weeks till Download and 10 weeks till Groovin the Moo. With my fellow anxious revellers in mind, i have prepared a series of 10 lessons I learned at past festivals (to ease any apprehensions you might be having) and included them below:

When the list of amenities at the ‘Tent city’ includes showers…..take baby wipes.
This one obviously only applies if your camping for your festival, but it is crucial.
DO NOT relax into the idea it’s like at a caravan park and there will be a full amenities block complete with toilets, showers, mirrors and POWERPOINTS available. There’s not. The toilets and showers are portable. Small in size and low in hot water. Slipping around in the freezing temperatures of Ballarat in November in my one shower thong (her anti tinea partner lost in the ‘one trip’ luggage venture from the car park to the campsite) then drying and dressing in my now slightly wet pyjamas in a claustrophobic environment, is an experience I could definitely do without.
Don’t be a pru, have a wet wipe wash. If a wet wipe is good enough to clean shit from a babies bottom, it’s good enough to freshen up your immaculate fanny for a night or two.
There are no power points for hair styling tools, go natural or tie the un-tameable mane back.
Well, there are power points. Probably. But the hot girls have already claimed them. And we’re not great at forming sentences for hot people. You’re not going to ask if you can sit with them. No. It will come out more like ‘sit you with hmm?’ So you’ll be needing to make other arrangements for your hair.
Remember as a kid, you would plait your hair before bed and wake up a mermaid? Yeah well, that’s not a thing you can do anymore. Your perfect non chemically attacked hair is a thing of the past and it’s time to move on. You plait your hair before bed now, you’re waking up a poodle.
High ponies are cute af without even trying, and you don’t necessarily need a mirror. Messy is in. Roll with it.
Get eye lash extensions before the event.
Honestly the best thing I did. Not only did I get to nap for an hour and a half at my techs house while she made me beautiful, but it also knocked a solid 3 minutes off my getting ready time on the day. AND! No risk of Panda eyes by the end of the night girls. Winning!
Take chewy.
You will appreciate the minty fresh taste after a full day of greasy truck food….as an added bonus, chewy is a great way to make friends without actually having to converse with someone. If you lose your friends in the mosh and then start panicking because you’re by yourself, look for the guy swaying around with his eyes closed and say the magic word ‘chewy?’. Congratulations, you just made yourself a new bff for the next 20 minutes till your actual tribe turns up.
Don’t be ‘brave’ wear what you’re actually comfortable in.
Girl, you look amazing in that almost a G-string and matching bra. I WISH I had that confidence but let’s be real, I’m a chubby thigh girl. And with those chubby thighs comes chaffing. I wanna enjoy my day chaf and wedgie free thank you.
Forgo the cute playsuit with pockets.
I know you girls are probably reading this thinking ‘what the fuck April, but it has pockets!’ Let me explain.
Playsuits were not made with throne room business in mind. They are a ridiculous item of clothing to get on and off and there are never enough toilets at these things. When you’re jumping up and down clenching that pelvic floor for dear life, the last thing you need to worry about is having to get nude once finally in a filthy porta loo. Surrounded by piss and runaway toilet paper, trying your hardest to not let your clothing touch the floor lest it be contaminated with possible human excrement. It’s time consuming and unsanitary. And then we have the issue of the pockets. Oh. My. God.
If i could go back in time, i would go back to March 16 2018 and NOT wear that super cute black off the shoulder flowy playsuit with fucking pockets.
The lines for this gig, both the bar and the toilets were INSANE. You’d be waiting nearly 40 minutes just to wee and then another 40 + for a drink. Imagine my excitement when towards the end of the night, i exited the lavatory to discover NO FUCKING LINE at the bar. Naturally i ran straight over with my 1 already opened Somersby pear cider and purchased myself 4 more. And now I find myself with a mathematical problem of epic proportion. 2 hands. 5 drinks. And this is where the pockets fucked me over.
The pockets on my playsuit were the perfect size for a can of Somersby. Problem solved. A can in each pocket, two cans propped on top of each other in my left hand, freeing up my right hand to continue feeding the fifth can down my throat while i strut my clever ass around looking for my friends.
As one who was sober would expect, the two OPEN (because bar tenders don’t trust you to open your own beverage) cans in my pockets tipped over. Allowing urine colored fluids to run down both my legs. Panic set in, i definitely look like i’m pissing my pant. So i do the only thing i could think to do at the time. I stopped, took the offending Ciders from my pockets and sat them on the ground. Finished the can i currently had on the go, freeing up my right hand to carry the pocket ciders and continued on my merry way….I wish. Unfortunately rational thought disappeared and instead I tried to ‘correct’ the angle of the tipped drinks in my pocket by thrusting my pelvis forward, spread my legs slightly to prevent my wet thighs from touching and accelerated to a brisk pace (running would draw too much unwanted attention) and headed for the shadows. News headline the following day to read “Not enough toilets supplied at local festival, drunk girl pisses herself in desperation.” Catchy.
Don’t do it.
When offered the opportunity to get on someone’s shoulders, do not blow it by ‘dancing’ up there. No bopping around, your lower half should be completely still and only gentle upper body movements. Apparently it’s very uncomfortable for you’re walking tower. They’ll put you back down quicker then you can say ‘dance monkey’ and never let you back up there again. You’ll be doomed to watch sweaty backs for the rest of the gig.
Go too hard, and you’ll go home.
Seriously, get an early night the night before. Save your energy for the FULL DAY/ WEEKEND/WEEK of NO napping! Pace yourself, the best acts are always saved for last and you don’t want to miss them because of some extra tequila shots on a Friday night you could of had any other Friday night.
Reapply that SPF 50+ even if it’s ‘overcast’ and wear the god damn hat.
Have you ever been sunburnt on your scalp before? It is excruciating and impossible to deal with for the next two weeks. If it’s not tying to kill you whenever you attempt to brush or wash your hair it’s flaking, dropping it’s shit around you like confetti.
Have the best time even if you’re not.
If you’re not that into the song they’re playing, Dance anyway! If the drinks are ‘super’ expensive and you have to withdraw more money, don’t spoil today by complaining about it constantly.
Lost your friends? Make new ones til you find them. Split your pants? Think of those booty gains that got you there. Having a bad hair day? It’s only gonna get more fucked up by the end of the day babe. Don’t waste your tears.
It is what you make it. You go in shitty, you’re coming back out the same way. And it’s no one else’s fault but your own.

Hope to see you all at Lemonade in 2 WEEKS!

Put. It. In. Your. Calendar. NOW!