I don’t know when it was, how it happened or why. But somehow I managed to make a man fall deeply in love with me. Enough so, that he wants to spend the rest of eternity with me and my 7 other personalities.

The proposal was sweet and personalised. A fridge filled with champagne and my intolerances (chocolate), one knee at 90 degrees and a carefully scripted ‘to be remembered’ one liner of “wanna get hitched?” and the deal was done. “Yes! Yes, I will marry you my handsome prince”. And whilst I waited for my now fiancé to sweep me off my feet carry me to our chambers and make sweet love to me I realised, there were no birds singing. That heavenly ray of sunshine had not cast its light upon me to beam me up like an alien spaceship to that final level of the dating game. Crowning me Fairest of them all. And with this disappointing discovery came the resounding boom of reality. My future did not have his arms wrapped around me. He was not kissing me nor staring at me in admiration of my beauty and grace. Wondering to himself, how did he get so lucky? No. Instead, he just went and sat his big ol perfect bum back down on the couch to continue enjoying yet another episode of someone else playing video games (WTF??) But it’s ok, no no for real. No one get upset on my behalf. For my ever-loving fiancé informed me that this is ok behaviour because “nothings changed.”

Haha. Haha. Ha HAHAHAHAHA !

Oh my poor sweet naïve Chef. EVERYTHING is about to change! I’m gonna be a Bride Mother Fucker.

I was a caterpillar, locked in a cocoon of her own making. Waiting for her time to break the shackles of insecurity and bust out a beautiful, terrifying! But beautiful, spoken for butterfly. Step aside loser, I don’t want you getting dirt on my train.

Chef and I have been together for 11 years now. Engaged for 5…nearly 6 years and only now have we started seriously considering the wedding. We fit well together and there is honestly no one else in this world that I would want by my side at the alter or fighting for survival in a Zombie apocalypse. But we don’t share a lot of the same ideas and have struggled to come up with a plan that suits us both. What we DO share though, is an inability to save money and a long-term serious relationship with procrastination. We’re basically a throuple. In order for you to fully appreciate what this looks like, I’m going to have to back up a little in the timeline.

Rewind to 2017, wedding planning take 1: After much deliberation we had eventually decided that it was an amazing idea to get married in the year 2020. For two reasons, Number 1, our current anniversary fell on a Saturday that year. Sweet and cute I know. And number 2 being that as a young girl I was obsessed with an abc kids tv series called…2020. A futuristic thriller starring a young heartthrob by the name of Hart (Coincidence?) Trying to navigate his way through a crippling post-apocalyptic society where only the young get to live, and the aging will stop at nothing to cheat death. Riveting stuff. Also, Hart was hot and I very much wanted to marry him. That last reason for why we chose 2020 was known only to myself, but still two very compelling reasons to say I do in such a meaningful year. We opened a joint bank account, nicknamed it ‘wedding fund’ and that was that.

Now I know most of you reading this automatically put 2 and 2 together and made 4. 2020. Covid. We get it. But no, you would be wrong.

Chef and I decided it was a good idea to go on a spontaneous road trip with some friends of ours in early 2019. We did not save for this trip and adopted the problematic mantra of “she’ll be right.” This resulted in us ‘dipping’ into our wedding fund so we could have some fun. Drink some piss, go to some theme parks etc. etc. We’d pay back whatever we spent when we got our next fortnightly pay. If not the next pay, the one after that. We’ve got heaps of time to put it back…..we did not. And when the time rolled around to start booking vendors, we had a grand total of $43 to go crazy with.

At the time this was very upsetting and caused some serious ugly tears and dramatic sobbing on my part. Obviously we just don’t love each other enough if we cant save money. Right? But then 2020 happened, and my god am I grateful for that spontaneous road trip. Unfortunately though, covid gave us more than just a spicy cough, social anxiety and numerous house arrests. It also gave us a new crutch to lean our procrastination on. We can’t possibly plan a wedding if we might go back in to lock down at some point.

So here we are, nearly 6 years later. Once again with nought but a ‘she’ll be right’ attitude and a date to contribute to our pending nuptials.

04/05/2024

I’ll let you work out the reason behind this choice of date.

May the fourth be with us as we navigate the road to holy matrimony.