It’s been 8 weeks since my last online purchase. 8 cold, depressing weeks. I have one more afterpay payment and after that….nothing. I will owe no more money on the buy now pay later platform and there is nothing to fill the void my parceless mail box has created. What do people without shopping addictions do when they’re sad?

I don’t know when it was, how it happened or why. But somehow, I managed to make a man fall deeply in love with me. Enough so, that he wants to spend the rest of eternity with me and my 7 other personalities.

A week out from the monthly blood sacrifice to the fertility goddess, and I notice my left breast is tender. The discovery upsets me a great deal more than it should, the first sign that the fabled ritual is nearing.

To take my ever-anxious thoughts from my ever-aching titties, I commence a time wasting facebook newsfeed scroll. During which, I happen across a cute dog video. Caption reads “Abandoned dog finds his ‘furever’ home” ………what could possibly go wrong?

The Festival season is in full force and it is glorious!
We’re knee deep in side boob, sunburn, glitter and arse-less chaps. We’ve purchased our tickets, organized a crew, prepared our ‘matchy matchy’ completely weather inappropriate attire and we are ready….

My boyfriend quickly became very tired of the endless ‘small cute tattoos for girls’ pins i sent him. Given that our relationship is not just that of love but also of survival, and in a bid to prevent this olive skinned food providing (he’s a chef) hot piece of ass from leaving my useless needy ass, i issued myself with a direct ‘cease and desist’ order effective immediately……..and began sending the pins to his younger brother/housemate. Not a food provider…..dispensable.